Brace yourself, this is a long one, but it's worth it. :)
Ever since I found out I was pregnant for that first time, I've been living in fear of inadequacy. I remember that the song Daughters by John Mayer came on while I was at work. The line "Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too" hit me hard for NO REASON except that I had a hormonal crying breakdown over the word mother and realizing I would soon be one. I remember that feeling SO vividly because it never really left. I still have my moments where I am OVERWHELMED with the fact that I am solely responsible for molding a human life. (well, two now) Because I know this feeling well, I decided to calm some fears I know some of you are having with some standard worries and blunt advice.
EVERY. SINGLE. KID. is different. That being said, those of you that are having your second, do not expect the same things to work on this one. My two are so opposite it's scary. None of the same tricks worked on the second kid. It takes time to learn YOUR kid and what works for them. Do not feel you are screwing it up if it takes you weeks to find out how to get them to sleep or eat on a schedule or...whatever. ALL KIDS ARE DIFFERENT. There is no perfect cookie cutter strategy that always works. I'm sorry, there just isn't.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I don't care about the girl down the street who says her baby sleeps through the night every night. YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG. I don't care that you can't seem to make those perfect pinterest crafts with your toddler...YOU ARE NOT DOING IT WRONG. As a matter of fact, let's address the pinterest thing right now. Pinterest is great and adorable and addicting, but there are those of us that have that skill and those that do not. There are whole pages dedicated to "Pinterest Fails" so please view them if you are one of THOSE moms that dares to compare herself to some nonsense standard. If the cupcakes do not look like cookie monster, your kid will still eat them. You get extra points if you let them help, put some icing on their nose, had a good laugh, and then were able to laugh at how silly they looked at the end. You tried. You spent bonding time with that child and they LOVED IT. They don't secretly meet with their friends and feel sad because you can't do perfect pinterest projects. The kid cares not about what internet moms are doing.
THE ONLY ONES UPSET ABOUT US NOT MEETING THOSE STANDARDS ARE OURSELVES!!
I'll even go so far as to say I've never heard a husband complain about his wife not making that recipe look as good as it did on Pinterest. We as a society have an unfair mindset of comparison. We always see those that are better than us at something and put ourselves down for not being that. It's total nonsense. While you may not be able to make elephants out of paper plates or some junk, I bet Pinterest elephant lady can't change her oil in her car or keep up with a garden or whatever. We all have different skills. It makes the world go round and we must embrace it and be able to laugh at ourselves when we fail. We either try again and again or we accept ourselves for who we are and what we are good at. There is no room for criticizing our abilities.
Another fear I have..is that I have done/will do something to mess up my kids for life. We all have that one scar (at least) that we feel our childhood caused don't we? I spend countless hours wondering if I've traumatized my poor kid in this way or that.... My answer to that is..yes, we are going to mess up. It's going to happen. As much as most of us thought our parents had all the answers and that it was some divine gift you get upon popping out a baby, newp! You're going to mess up. Come to terms with that RIGHT NOW. It will make it so much easier on you to realize it, accept it, and learn how to recover from it. When you do send your kid to school with a belly ache only to get a call from the nurse saying they vomited all over the classroom, you're going to feel guilty. You messed up. When you punish your youngest child only to realize your older child was the one at fault, you messed up. What makes it okay is how you react to it afterward. You pull that child aside and hug them and tell them that mommies make mistakes too and that you did and you're sorry.
Remember that children become what you ARE not what you tell them to become. The first time I heard one of my kids repeat some bossy, snippy comment(to one another)...it broke my heart. It sounded so harsh coming from their mouths. Is that what I sounded like? I made a decision to work on who *I* am as a person...in order to make my children better people. Remember that. It's VERY IMPORTANT. If you want your children to be sweet and soft spoken...speak to them in that manner as well. Even if they're in trouble, 9 times out of 10 it can be done sternly, but not angrily. This is a battle I personally struggle with all the time. It takes practice to be a calm and stern parent instead of one quick to yell. That being said though, my goodness, BE CONSISTENT. If you let the kid get away with something ONE TIME, they will remember. Consistency is a BIG thing in parenting. Don't make threats and not follow through. None of this "if you do that one more time....no I mean it you better stop or I'll..." Just do it. That's all.
To add to the being what you are section, remember that as well when you are criticizing yourself. A child who constantly hears her mother say how big her nose is and how she hates her hair may grow up to have that same nose and that same hair...don't be critical of yourself, at least not in front of them. They are part you. Remember that.
Try not to discourage your children's dreams either. Just as you wouldn't want to be critical of yourself, certainly don't criticize them. If they want to be a doctor, tell them that's great and to work hard. If they draw a goofy looking drawing, tell them it's beautiful...or silly depending on what they were going for. :P Just don't discourage their wonderfully optimistic little world. Most of us have had optimism beaten out of us by adulthood. Try your best not to let that happen on your watch.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!
This is by far the best advice I ever received. You should consider everything you read and are told to some extent, but do not be governed by it. If everyone you know tells you to let your child cry it out at night but it feels wrong, don't do it. I heard so many people tell me what horrible things I was doing to my child by letting them sleep in my bed or nursing them to 18 months. I was giving them deep psychological issues apparently. Or those moms that feel just WRONG about breastfeeding because it feels uncomfortable...do not let anyone tell you that your feelings are wrong. It would be great if you could pump, don't get me wrong..just an example. Nothing is stronger than your deep down gut feeling because you know your kids best. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, as again, all kids are different...every single one.
To those having their first:
There is almost nothing anyone can say to you that will fully prepare you. There are no books you can read that will give you a clear understanding of what you are about to go through. It changes everything forever, but not in a bad way. You'll suddenly care about things that didn't used to matter and you'll worry about things that may not ever happen. You'll fear you don't REALLY know what you're doing and I promise you, that's all completely normal. You WILL figure it all out. You will learn your baby and how to manage normal life now that you have one. It won't be easy, but it will be 100% worth it.
To those having their second:
It was hard for me to imagine loving ANYTHING in the whole world like I loved that little boy. I worried constantly and had dreams that I forgot about my daughter entirely in my pursuit to be his perfect mom. I feared so many things about having two as my mom and her mom only had one. It's absolutely amazing how the heart manages to make that much room for that much love all over again and you learn that it is possible to love something just as much as your first born. You worry about how the older one will react and sometimes it isn't great, but they'll love each other if you make sure to never short them on love. It may take time. DS wasn't great about DD at first. He struggled to share me. Now, he worries about his sister and he protects her. It's a bond I can't even describe and is the coolest thing I've ever seen. Tell your oldest what a great big sibling they are. Keep them involved and praise them often. Even if it's just asking them to bring over a clean diaper and then gushing over how big of a helper they are. Make sure they know they play a vital role in your life still. Make sure they know nothing could EVER replace them. As for juggling the needs of two? haha You'll get that too. I was nursing one while changing another's diaper in no time. It does take time, but you'll be surprised what you can learn.
To all of you:
You will mess up, acknowledge it to yourself and your child. Learn to grow from it.
You aren't perfect, don't be so critical...and remember that they learn your critical nature.
All kids are different.
Trust your instincts.
It CAN get overwhelming. Never be afraid to ask for help. It does not make you weak.
Be conscious of who you are because your children become that.
Spend time with them instead of money on them.
Know that none of us have the answers...and it is hard.
At the end of the day, that child would love nothing more than YOU as YOU are. That's the biggest ego boost of all. That child loves you and thinks you are the best thing they've ever known..no matter what Pinterest project you completely ruined or what mistake you made in discipline. Even the kids with attitude as they get older still would be lost without mom. (dads are good too, but you know..lol) If you are doing the best you can, loving them with all you have, and trying to make sure they have a happy and fulfilling life, then you are doing it right and are a GOOD PARENT. That's all you need to know.
♧Lady Luck
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