January 14th. The Day I Will Never Forget

I have contemplated on writing this post for quite some time.  But, now, on this day, I have decided that it will be therapeutic for me and it’s honestly something I need to do.  

On this day, one year ago, I lay on a hospital bed frozen in emotion and knowing what needed to be done.  Only a few months before, I had discovered the joyous news that after nearly three years of trying to conceive, I was with child.  I took my pre-natals every day, drank plenty of water, and did everything else I was supposed to do, but at 12 weeks I went in for a normal appointment and discovered that my baby’s heart had stopped beating at a mere 7 weeks.  I had been unknowingly carrying around my deceased child for 5 weeks.  I was angry, broken, confused, and felt completely abandoned.  I didn’t understand how my body could have betrayed me and allowed me to continue thinking that everything was wonderful and going to be okay because everything was definitely not okay.  My baby was gone.  Just like that, she was taken from me, and I didn’t understand why.

I sat through the next half hour listening to the doctor tell me my options of what needed to be done next.  I barely heard a word.  At the end, my husband and I decided that I would have a D&C two days later.  For two miserable days I bawled my eyes out and didn’t know how to feel.  My husband and I leaned heavily on one another for support and comforted our confused 4 year old son as he managed his own grief over the passing of his little sibling he was so excited about.  It was one of the hardest moments of my life.

            After two days I went in to the hospital.  I went through the process of paperwork and being prepared for surgery.  I numbed myself completely just to get through it.  I listened to the nurse as she blabbed away about how to be grateful for the 4 year old son that I had and at least I knew that I could have children because some people don’t even get that chance.  I literally wanted to smack her.  It wasn’t that I was ungrateful because of course I love my son, but I had just lost my baby.  I needed to grieve and I needed that to be okay with everyone.  The doctor came in and explained the process to me, handing me even more paperwork to sign.  The one term that caught my eye was “spontaneous abortion”.  My husband was appalled and so angry that they would use that in reference to the death of our child.  He crossed it out and told the doctor not to say those words around us because we did not abort our baby and this was not our choice.    

            I continued to mourn for quite a while after.  Minutes turned into days, days turned into months.  Some days I would just stare at the wall and not know how to even breathe.  I mourned in my own way and took the time I needed to feel every emotion that came.  I embraced it, reflected upon it, and moved forward, gradually, one day at a time.

            Five months passed and I discovered that I was pregnant again!  My heart fluttered with joy, but I was so scared.  Scared at every appointment I went too, scared to hope, scared to believe that this could be real.  The due date I was given was January 14th, 2014.  It was exactly one year from the date of my D&C.  I didn’t know what to think and wondered yet again, why?  Why that day of all days?  A day, like August 2nd, 2013 (the due date) that I was to remember for Baby Firefly (our nickname for our baby).  Not some other baby.  For awhile I was in limbo between feeling connected with the growing baby inside and wanting the baby I had lost.  Because of that I carried around a lot of guilt due to feeling as if I had to be in two places at once.  Two intense emotions of grief and elation consumed me, each of them making me feel as I were the world’s worst mom.

But as the months have flown by and I find myself staring at the calendar realizing that today is the day I have been dreading, yet feeling so excited about I’m surprised to find that I am content and centered.  Focused on what is to come, the family I am helping build, the love I have to give, and the moment my son takes his first breath and I hear that sweet little cry.  I know that on the day that my son decides to make his arrival, if it is today, tomorrow, or another day within the next week, his sister will be looking down from Heaven with her little angel wings spread wide, smiling down upon us, knowing that we love her and she will always be a part of our lives, and for that I feel blessed.

xoxo

Lady Sunshine