I figured that one topic I'm constantly compelled to talk about is marriage. It isn't just marriage, but marriage with kids especially. It's a topic I have experienced twice now, clearly once unsuccessfully. I felt in order to lay foundation to the topic, I would have to paste an old note I wrote about how it affected me and the kids from about 4 yrs ago when the divorce happened. If you're still with me after that, I'll have some words of wisdom, some hard truths, and some REALLY EASY ADVICE. What I want from this blog is for you to TRULY assess your marriage after reading this. Here goes...
"I lied when I said that I was okay with this divorce and all aspects of it. I lied when I said it didn't bother me anymore. It's been over a year now since it all started and the man has the uncanny ability to ruin my mood at the drop of a hat just with a call or a text. He drives me CRAZY and I can't be around him for long. We had no business being married for as long as we were...but that man is the father of my children. No matter how much easier it would be to just hate him...to tell him to go away and never talk to me again...no matter how much I SHOULD dislike him...I can't bring myself to.
When everyone started to find out..most of them were completely shocked. It looked perfect didn't it? Let's be honest...what we had was the American dream. We were a proud military family of four, high school sweethearts with a little boy and a little girl...we had everything we wanted and then some. On the outside looking in, it looked so beautiful...but looking back...I have loved him for the wrong reasons for years...I loved him for the man he was with my kids...I loved him for being a good dad. I loved him because our kids love him. How was I to know the difference?
When I say I'm not okay, what I mean is...I miss THAT man. I don't miss having a husband, he worked night shift for so long and we grew so far apart I'm not sure when it was that I had a husband...I miss my kids' dad. I miss the light in their eyes when they see him, the smile on their faces when they play with him, and my heart will still melt watching DD fall asleep on him. I hate SO much that they don't have him a majority of the year. I HATE HATE HATE that it's Christmas Eve...and he's not with them. It's just not fair. Please don't tell me "plenty of kids go through divorces and turn out fine". I know this..and furthermore I was one of those kids...I was DS' age when my parents divorced, however, I saw my dad at least a couple times a month. They will see their dad once maybe twice a year...I HATE that for him because I know it hurts and it would KILL me to be away from my kids that much, but I especially hate it for them. He IS an excellent dad and they don't deserve to miss out on having him around...but there's no fixing that and really never has been.
For so many years we were "comfortably miserable" is what I'd like to call it. Both of us were unhappy...we just didn't realize how deep that went and we kept thinking it would pass after the next deployment or when he got off mids (which was NEVER thank you, air force) but the truth is...it's been way over for way too long. I remember distinctly our first year of marriage, they say it's the hardest, I remember a fight...I was working 5-6 days a week and pregnant with DS and coming home wanting his time and he would stay in that office upstairs playing warcraft until well after I was asleep...I started to resent him SO much...started to feel SO neglected. He saw it as his way of unwinding after a hard day's work and I understand that now, but my way of unwinding was wanting to relax with him on the couch and watch a nice movie and spend time together...I started holding a grudge and getting back at him by not doing a DAMN thing for him. I wouldn't iron his uniform, I wouldn't cook for him, we used to only wash the dishes we immediately needed to eat our OWN food and we would battle that out for WEEKS. I certainly didn't want a hug or a kiss...or anything that required my physical attention if I wasn't worthy of his emotional attention why should I GRANT him my physical attention? This ultimately led to the downfall of our marriage. There was a night he yelled at me "go back to Georgia you stupid (expletive)!" and I yelled "fine, (expletive)" and I packed a suitcase...I got in my car and drove to walmart and parked...I started to cry and I looked down at my belly and said "I can't do this, I'm sorry baby" and turned the car around. There's the truth right there...I should've been gone our FIRST YEAR of marriage...but I stayed for DS...I would call it a mistake but then I wouldn't have DD would I? We were both SO young and SO stupid...we had no idea what we were doing, we just made it look pretty, put on a happy face, and called it good like a good Christian couple was supposed to do. When we got engaged we SWORE we would not divorce because there was NOTHING we couldn't work through. Teenagers are so arrogant...they think they know everything, they think they are different than everyone else, that they know better...ha... I love that man...and I will ALWAYS love that man, he is a GOOD man and I'll never say a bad word to our kids about him he is a good dad, but WE were terrible at being a young married couple. I can only hope that God knows we tried...that He KNOWS we prayed and we talked until we were blue in the face, but sometimes there is NO WAY to save it. I hope I'm forgiven for this divorce and if I'm ever remarried I hope He blesses that union. I hope I've learned enough to save me from a lot of heartache in the rest of my life. "
You still with me? Don't cry...the "ending" is happy, I promise :)
I don't say all of this to tell anyone their marriage is over, but I do think too many moms get caught up in being what I like to call a Mom Blob. You know...one of those zombie-like creatures who spends more time reciting Mickey Mouse Clubhouse lines than taking care of herself? (let alone her husband) I was one of those. I want to discuss it more in part 2 next week, but for now just think about your marriage. How happy is it? How much time do you give yourself or your husband? Is there distance? Think HARD, it happens gradually.(and don't make excuses!) This is something I've learned to work on. I've got this figured out on this second marriage. ;) Not too late for your first. :) I'll be back with Part 2 next week.
-Lady Luck
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