Did ya do what I said? You thought about it, right? Anyway, we are gonna talk about this gradual change that occurs when a couple becomes a family.
You remember when you got married and you were SMITTEN with that man? (yes this is geared toward our female audience, sorry dads) You held his hand, cuddled on the couch, couldn't wait to be home to watch movies together or have intimate relations? (don't laugh, I'm trying to keep it PG!) For a lot of married couples, this wears off. Being married stops being such a fairy tale and starts being work sometimes. Most of us see this some time between the moment we realize we are pregnant and the time our first child is about 5. I know what MY issue was and I've heard from many others very similar stories...so we will first address the Momblob.
The Momblob...it's that thing you start becoming when you're pregnant and exhausted...everything on you feels large and you feel sweaty and aloof. You can't sleep well so you're always tired and always want to eat, but this doesn't really compare to once you have the baby. Once you have the baby, you change forever. The weight can go away, the belly reduces, the balance returns! The problem is that you are now wholeheartedly engulfed in kid stuff. You can't talk to a friend for 5 minutes without talking about Diaper Genie or sleep schedule. Your life becomes completely bizarre to those kid-free friends of yours. They worry about you as your hair is always in a ponytail and you're always in sweat pants. You're lucky to make some hot dogs for dinner and get ONE glorious shower...just one every couple of days. If you're really fortunate, you end up with zombie dad RIGHT there with you talking to his friends about the importance of co-sleeping to allow all of you more rest instead of discussing golf games or sports teams. You have that man who is ALSO disheveled and tired because he's helping. ME?! Nope. So I turned into this gross kid-obsessed thing in sweatpants and a ponytail (ALL THE TIME) who was half awake and couldn't even remember what I talked about before children. I think I liked...photography once? I don't know. This leads into the primary issue...the Forever Roommate. Whether it's the Momblob syndrome or some other factor...at some point many couples get distanced. What used to be the woman waiting anxiously to see her man after work for affection and time together turns into the woman who can't wait to get another human adult so she can SHOWER or NAP! While I'm well aware that I had my needs for sleep and hygiene...what I neglected was my husband.
The Forever Roomate started out as too tired to spend time together and too upset because I wasn't getting help. It bled into "I don't really want to hug him or do anything with him because he doesn't change a diaper or watch the child so I can shower...He doesn't get up at night with the baby EVER even when off work so that I can sleep. MAYBE when this one is a bit older, things will be better. We will work on it later." Okay THERE! RIGHT THERE is where I need to stop! No matter what he did or didn't do...no matter how completely stubborn I was being, NO ONE should say they will work on their marriage LATER. Before I knew it, one kid later, we didn't even share a bed. He claimed the one I had hurt his back, but it was brand new. I knew what was really going on. We didn't hug. We didn't kiss. We didn't call each other to see how the day was going, nor did we ask once the day was over. We went through the motions of two roommates raising children together. The worst part? I STILL decided it would just get better later. He lost love for me when I lost respect for him. We really lost both for each other, but I can never be sure where it started. Remember how I talked about those times when a couple is first together? That love that you feel during what I like to call the "infatuation phase"? I got so far gone that I couldn't even remember WHY I fell in love with him in the first place. I couldn't remember what was EVER so great. (to be honest, I still can't) The marriage unraveled quickly with one attempted affair I caught him in, then one that is now his wife. That is neither here nor there, but let's wrap up the failure portion.
After several years of chaos and pushing men away from me, I ran back into a man I had known off and on since I was 2! I'm not going to go into the whole sappy story of how I married my old childhood neighbor, but it happened almost 2 years ago. He fought through the pushing I did because he knew me better than that, and thank goodness he did. So CURRENT marriage...that infatuation phase? 4 years together and it still flares up. There are days I hold his hand and my stomach flips. There are times I see his name on my phone and smile. We HAVE fallen into SOME periods of complacency, but here is the difference...I KNOW BETTER NOW! When something starts to slip, I catch it. Marriage is NOT something that can be brushed aside for later. It requires maintenance REGULARLY. I spent so much of my first marriage thinking "the kids will only be little for so long, we have forever to work on this marriage." That was COMPLETELY unfair to my ex-husband and unfair to all involved really...ESPECIALLY the kids. Did I try HARD toward the end? Absolutely! Too little too late, we felt almost NOTHING for each other and couldn't force it back together. (then the whole affair thing didn't help)
So the resolutions I made for this marriage....
- If there is distance felt at all, address it and close that gap
- Do not hold resentment and let things boil
- ALWAYS kiss goodbye and hug hello (long hugs...the kind that release endorphins and all those butterflies)
- Sex is NOT A TOOL...it isn't for bribery, for ransom, for revenge...no...no no NO!
- Establish realistic expectations and for important ones PUT THEM IN WRITING (it sounds crazy, but too often I got the "I never said that" forgetfulness) When it comes to what is expected of his help with the kids, it is made clear what the roles are and all help outside of that is appreciated
- For goodness sake, agree on financial plans and goals...don't sneak purchases or hold grudges about money
- No voice raising, name calling, or taking shots just to be hurtful (You know I can count the REAL arguments on both hands in 4 years...and they are NEVER disrespectful or petty)
- GRACE! (if he were to be in a horrible accident tomorrow, would this disagreement still be important? No? Then it isn't the end of the world, get it worked out!)
- CONSTANTLY MAINTAIN
Now how does this help the rest of you in your first marriage? You can still apply these conditions or any that you would like to your current marriage. As for being a a Momblob? You are a good mom even if you are forgetting to be a wife...these days WILL pass, but in the meantime... HAVE A DATE NIGHT! At least once a month, dress up, get a sitter, and act like you are on a date. Don't talk too much about strollers or the latest in car seat safety, PLEASE! Just as your offspring need your attention, the man you married does too. Be hanging on his arm displaying proudly that this one is YOURS, make him feel wanted and appreciated for all he does. (usually, smart ones reciprocate this) Do not neglect your marriage. If it has already started, commit to stopping it immediately! If you don't have the money for a traditional date night out, ask grandma to babysit and stay IN but not in your pjs on opposite sides of the couch, got it?!
Are you already in a Forever Roommate situation? That one is so tricky...it is really a case by case matter. Just know that it is NOT okay to wait it out. It's NOT okay to accept that you'll sleep in separate beds for 20 years, he will work late and spend most nights out and you will wrap your entire life around soccer mom. If you have to stop and shake him, do it. Have a night together where you go through old memories together. Look at pictures and discuss how it was back then...remember the first time he kissed you? When you knew he was the one? Maybe even when you knew he was going to be a good dad. Relive every good memory out loud with each other and figure out how to get back there. It will take time, but you can do it!
I know this is long and rambly, but I hope it helped SOMEONE realize that complacency in marriage isn't okay or temporary. All marriages take MAINTENANCE. I don't like to say "work" because it has a negative connotation. Don't lose hope...you've got this, momma!
Please leave comments or even write me a message if you feel you have something to ask or add! I would love to hear from some other moms trying to remember how to still be wives! I know you're out there! ;)
-Lady Luck
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