Miscarriages and Blessings

Today's post might be a sensitive subject for some... So here is your **Trigger alert**

December 15th, 2011 I was waiting nervously for 3 minutes to pass as my pregnancy test was processing.  Negative.  I wasn't sure weather or not to be excited or relieved.  You see, my husband and I had just decided the previous month that we would begin trying to start a family and after being at WalMart near the rotisserie chicken and almost throwing up, then about 3 isles away from the candles and having the smell be too strong, I figured I should take a test.  I didn't believe that it could be negative, the smell of chicken and candles never bothered me before, I thought I must have been getting sick.  About 30 minutes later I went and pulled the stick out of the bathroom trash just to be sure, and it said it was positive.  I quickly grabbed another test and in about 30 seconds it said it was positive.  I was elated.  I couldn't decide if I wanted to tell DH right away or if I wanted to wait and make it a sort of Christmas surprise.  I'm terrible with secrets, I told him.  We both hugged for a very long time and cried tears of joy.  We were able to wait a whole 2 days before we had announced it to the family that we were expecting, and another week before we announced it to the world via Facebook. 
You see, I had never heard of the 3month/12 weeks rule...The doctors test estimated we were about 3 weeks and 4 days when we found out we were expecting, and everyone had known at about 4 weeks.  We had our first appointment on January 12th where we were told everything looked good, and that we would have our first ultrasound on February 15th.
We never did make it to the February 15th appointment.  On February 3rd I wasn't feeling well and had began spotting.  I called the doctor, and he said it was normal, but if there was anymore blood we should call again.  We were watching some music award show that evening when I was having the worst pains I've ever had, and had been in and out of the bathroom.  We called again and the doctor, without any sort of remorse or "I'm sorry"  in his voice said words that hit me right in the heart. "Well, you're having a miscarriage and there isn't anything we can do about it.  You can either go through it at home or go to the E.R. and wait it out there."  I decided to stay at home.  I knew that if it was going to happen, I would want to be home with my husband, not hooked up to machines and poked and prodded by strangers in the E.R..

***Graphic/Trigger Warning***

I was laying on my bed in the "child's" position while my husband rubbed my back trying to help me get through the cramps of labor, when I needed to go back to the bathroom.  I had just finished and was about to leave when I felt the need to go again, I sat back down and felt a big "flush"... I just knew, that I had lost it.  I looked down into the toilet, and there was the most fragile little 12 week 3 day baby.  I didn't know what to do, I collapsed on the floor screaming and crying, my husband frantically ran into the bathroom.  He held me, we cried and he called my mom because he too wasn't sure what to do.  Then the doctor called to see how we were doing and we told him that we had lost the baby, and he told us what we needed to do.  My husband asked what I wanted him to do, and words that I now wish I could've taken back came out of my mouth "flush the toilet".... Three words that I don't know how to forgive myself for.  Three words that would change my life forever.  My sweet little Peanut.  My sweet little Peanut that was too beautiful for Earth was gone. People have asked what I would have done had I not flushed, and I don't know the answer to that question, I don't know how things would have been different, but I do know that, that little baby will always have a place in my heart, and a piece of me.

**Okay, it's safe again***

The blessing behind all of this?  We discovered the "problem".  My blood type is O Negative, and my husbands isn't.  When your partner doesn't have ONeg and you do, your body will see the other blood type (your babies blood type) as an intruder, an infection if you will, and will attack.  However, with modern science you can get shot of Rhogam so that your body won't do that.  Which is how our second baby survived my hostile body, and was born as a healthy 8lb 10oz baby boy this past March. 

Did you know that 1 in 4 women have a very similar experience?  1 in 4 women experience miscarriage or pregnancy loss.  1 in 4 women suffer from this same heartbreak.

Here are a list of resources I've accumulated that I would love to share with you.
Calvin's Hats Facebook
Calvin's Hats Website
Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Support  on Cafe Mom

Footprints On Our Hearts on Facebook

 Here is my hat from Calvin's Hats:

On Baby Peanuts due date we released balloons with notes:

I also adopted some baby chicks and watched them grow up:

 

I took up painting too:

I know that it is a hard time, and that nothing I say can make it better, however, knowing I wasn't alone helped me more than I ever thought that it would, and I hope that it helps you too.

Lots of hugs,
Lady Hurricane