Stranger Danger! (Start EARLY)

I wanted to talk about this topic, but it’s a sensitive one for me. You could call it a trauma that has stuck with me and has become my worst fear. I’m PARANOID about someone touching, taking, physically or emotionally harming my child. Most parents have that fear in there somewhere, but mine is amplified. See, I was one of those children. At the age of three, I was taken.

I don’t want to paint this picture for you of a girl captive for days, because that’s not at all how it was. I was maybe missing for an evening. Maybe only an hour, but I can’t be sure exactly how long. Much of it is lost from my brain possibly to protect me and possibly because of how young I was. Two things I remember distinctly were how he took me and how my mom got me back. Everyone in the neighborhood was having a sort of “block party”. A lot of them were in my yard. Several idiots were offering me a sip of beer then having a laugh when I made a face about how gross it was. I don’t know why I remember that. I had at least one friend with me there, but I can’t remember how close to me she was when the man approached me. He bent down and said “I have kids about your age. Do you want to meet them?” I shrugged as I was a shy child. He said “Well, I asked your mom and she said it was okay.” Just like that, he picked me up and off he went with me. My mom was entertaining people on the porch talking. It wasn’t that she was neglecting me. I was playing with my neighbor friend and around plenty of people she KNEW. Keep that in mind. Most of the time, it’s someone you already know.

That friend of mine I was playing with is now my sister-in-law actually. She remembers something much different. She’s STILL traumatized by what happened to me. She brought it up again about a month ago as one of her worst fears for HER kids.  As she remembers it, he knocked me down off of my bike and took me more aggressively, but I recall none of that. Just goes to show that a child’s brain does strange things. Whether hers exaggerated because of the fear she felt or mine toned down so as not to have anxiety for life, it’s clear we were both very influenced by this.

As for my mom getting me back, it isn’t a very clear story. I remember blue lights. I remember my mom saying some sort of profanity, taking me from his arms, and then knocking him OUT…I mean DOWN on his back. That’s hard to forget. My mom is about 5’4”. Tiny lady, but packed a tremendous punch when adrenaline hit. She’s always been pretty badass though. :P

                                                                                    

So, on that note, kids need to be talked to EARLY. My kids know this story. I assure them I don’t mean to scare them, but they DO need to know what to do and not to do.

• ·         If I don’t say they are going with someone personally, they are not to go anywhere with this person.
• ·         If anyone touches them in their personal places, they know to tell me no matter what lies they are told by this person about consequences. I have assured them NO HARM will come from telling me anything truthfully.
• ·         If they are playing in my yard or a friend’s yard and a stranger comes anywhere near, they are to run inside.
• ·         They are NEVER to open the door for anyone unless I say so.
• ·         In public, they are not allowed to wander off and are to stay in my sight. They know there could be “bad guys” that could take them.
• ·         They know when and how to yell the phrase “STRANGER DANGER!”

Start young, but don’t make it scary. They shouldn't fear the entire world, but they should know to take precautions and view YOU (and your spouse, parents, anyone you FULLY TRUST) as safety in all circumstances. There used to be a safety DVD that taught it in a “fun way” but feel free to implement your own techniques. Me personally, I just made a fun quiz game out of it.

“What do we do when someone knocks at the door?”

That general idea has helped teach my kids, but maybe songs work better? Be creative, but be informative. You don’t think about this stuff ever happening to you until it does. Be proactive.

(that being said, they mean it when they say make a fire escape plan for your house too…I really need to have some safety drills with my kids soon…I’ll blog about that too. Good thing I married a fireman ;) Haha)

If this blog saves even one child, I’m happy. I hope you all take this to heart.

                                                                                               

-Lady Luck

Snowmaggedon 2014!! CABIN FEVER

Okay, so it isn't nearly as insane to those of you who regularly brave the snow, but we southerners do not possess the city equipment, the snow tires, nor the driving training/skills to survive in this. It got pretty serious here in Georgia. People have been stranded in cars on the interstate. Over 500 accidents yesterday between 10AM-5PM AND there was a baby delivered on the interstate during all of this chaos. Anyway, this is all crazy and very serious, but I'm not going into the serious note anymore...

I AM STIR CRAZY! Am I the only one that can't stand to not leave the house for days straight? This cabin fever has of course been exacerbated by two very bored kids. We played in the snow, but it was in brief segments. We did all the chores...and then some. (thanks to that nice chore chart that has been circulating Facebook and my kids were thrilled to be so helpful!) We read a little. We tried watching some TV....this just made it WORSE for me personally. I was sitting here yelling at Dora. I know you've noticed how insane these shows are...or is that just me and my cabin fever?

Dora...a small child at the age of I don't know...8? maybe? She goes gallivanting off with a monkey on every episode with no parental supervision through some sort of forest or jungle. Never mind that monkeys can be extremely mean and jungles are dangerous! I can overlook that! What I can't overlook is the vehicles. She is constantly riding some four wheeler, small car, boat, jet ski. It drives me INSANE. I'm like wait...no parents AND you are operating dangerous vehicles?! Somewhere in my snowed-in rage, I caught myself screaming at Dora today... "SEAT BELTS! So we can be safe!" she says, and I just lost it. "SAFE?! SAFE?! YOU ARE OPERATING A MOTORIZED VEHICLE IN THE JUNGLE WITH A VICIOUS MONKEY AND NO PARENTS!!!!!" This is when I realized I had a problem.

Anyway, I know this blog is really neither helpful nor informative, but I have to ask..am I the only one that looks at children's shows and says "WHAT?!". I can't be. If the innocent ones weren't enough, what is happening to Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network in general? I saw a commercial on Nick where several men were hit in the groin region and it was repeatedly described as funny. Oh good...when my seven year old does it at school I'm sure it will be BOWLS of laughter! Cartoon Network has just as much become all about fart jokes and butts. I have NO idea what that is about, but what happened to cartoons? :( It makes me sad.

The only helpful thing you MAY take away from this is that the TV is NOT a babysitter (which most of us already know) but that you also may need to pre-screen a LOT of seemingly innocent/ "age appropriate" shows before allowing your child to watch. Everything is of course depending on your child's maturity and likelihood to imitate the behavior, but for me...I always just watch with them and explain to them what's wrong with that man being hit in the groin or that kid farting in his friend's face. *shakes head* America, this is our future.

I have GOT to get out of this house. Wow.

-Lady Luck

Is your marriage REALLY solid? (Part 2)

Part 2: The Momblob and the Forever Roommate

Did ya do what I said? You thought about it, right? Anyway, we are gonna talk about this gradual change that occurs when a couple becomes a family.

You remember when you got married and you were SMITTEN with that man? (yes this is geared toward our female audience, sorry dads) You held his hand, cuddled on the couch, couldn't wait to be home to watch movies together or have intimate relations? (don't laugh, I'm trying to keep it PG!) For a lot of married couples, this wears off. Being married stops being such a fairy tale and starts being work sometimes. Most of us see this some time between the moment we realize we are pregnant and the time our first child is about 5. I know what MY issue was and I've heard from many others very similar stories...so we will first address the Momblob.

The Momblob...it's that thing you start becoming when you're pregnant and exhausted...everything on you feels large and you feel sweaty and aloof. You can't sleep well so you're always tired and always want to eat, but this doesn't really compare to once you have the baby. Once you have the baby, you change forever. The weight can go away, the belly reduces, the balance returns! The problem is that you are now wholeheartedly engulfed in kid stuff. You can't talk to a friend for 5 minutes without talking about Diaper Genie or sleep schedule. Your life becomes completely bizarre to those kid-free friends of yours. They worry about you as your hair is always in a ponytail and you're always in sweat pants. You're lucky to make some hot dogs for dinner and get ONE glorious shower...just one every couple of days. If you're really fortunate, you end up with zombie dad RIGHT there with you talking to his friends about the importance of co-sleeping to allow all of you more rest instead of discussing golf games or sports teams. You have that man who is ALSO disheveled and tired because he's helping. ME?! Nope. So I turned into this gross kid-obsessed thing in sweatpants and a ponytail (ALL THE TIME) who was half awake and couldn't even remember what I talked about before children. I think I liked...photography once? I don't know. This leads into the primary issue...the Forever Roommate. Whether it's the Momblob syndrome or some other factor...at some point many couples get distanced. What used to be the woman waiting anxiously to see her man after work for affection and time together turns into the woman who can't wait to get another human adult so she can SHOWER or NAP! While I'm well aware that I had my needs for sleep and hygiene...what I neglected was my husband.

The Forever Roomate started out as too tired to spend time together and too upset because I wasn't getting help. It bled into "I don't really want to hug him or do anything with him because he doesn't change a diaper or watch the child so I can shower...He doesn't get up at night with the baby EVER even when off work so that I can sleep. MAYBE when this one is a bit older, things will be better. We will work on it later." Okay THERE! RIGHT THERE is where I need to stop! No matter what he did or didn't do...no matter how completely stubborn I was being, NO ONE should say they will work on their marriage LATER. Before I knew it, one kid later, we didn't even share a bed. He claimed the one I had hurt his back, but it was brand new. I knew what was really going on. We didn't hug. We didn't kiss. We didn't call each other to see how the day was going, nor did we ask once the day was over. We went through the motions of two roommates raising children together. The worst part? I STILL decided it would just get better later. He lost love for me when I lost respect for him. We really lost both for each other, but I can never be sure where it started. Remember how I talked about those times when a couple is first together? That love that you feel during what I like to call the "infatuation phase"? I got so far gone that I couldn't even remember WHY I fell in love with him in the first place. I couldn't remember what was EVER so great. (to be honest, I still can't) The marriage unraveled quickly with one attempted affair I caught him in, then one that is now his wife. That is neither here nor there, but let's wrap up the failure portion.

After several years of chaos and pushing men away from me, I ran back into a man I had known off and on since I was 2! I'm not going to go into the whole sappy story of how I married my old childhood neighbor, but it happened almost 2 years ago. He fought through the pushing I did because he knew me better than that, and thank goodness he did. So CURRENT marriage...that infatuation phase? 4 years together and it still flares up. There are days I hold his hand and my stomach flips. There are times I see his name on my phone and smile. We HAVE fallen into SOME periods of complacency, but here is the difference...I KNOW BETTER NOW! When something starts to slip, I catch it. Marriage is NOT something that can be brushed aside for later. It requires maintenance REGULARLY. I spent so much of my first marriage thinking "the kids will only be little for so long, we have forever to work on this marriage." That was COMPLETELY unfair to my ex-husband and unfair to all involved really...ESPECIALLY the kids. Did I try HARD toward the end? Absolutely! Too little too late, we felt almost NOTHING for each other and couldn't force it back together. (then the whole affair thing didn't help)

So the resolutions I made for this marriage....

• If there is distance felt at all, address it and close that gap 
• Do not hold resentment and let things boil
• ALWAYS kiss goodbye and hug hello (long hugs...the kind that release endorphins and all those butterflies)
• Sex is NOT A TOOL...it isn't for bribery, for ransom, for revenge...no...no no NO! 
• Establish realistic expectations and for important ones PUT THEM IN WRITING (it sounds crazy, but too often I got the "I never said that" forgetfulness) When it comes to what is expected of his help with the kids, it is made clear what the roles are and all help outside of that is appreciated
• For goodness sake, agree on financial plans and goals...don't sneak purchases or hold grudges about money
• No voice raising, name calling, or taking shots just to be hurtful (You know I can count the REAL arguments on both hands in 4 years...and they are NEVER disrespectful or petty)
• GRACE! (if he were to be in a horrible accident tomorrow, would this disagreement still be important? No? Then it isn't the end of the world, get it worked out!)
• CONSTANTLY MAINTAIN

Now how does this help the rest of you in your first marriage? You can still apply these conditions or any that you would like to your current marriage. As for being a a Momblob? You are a good mom even if you are forgetting to be a wife...these days WILL pass, but in the meantime... HAVE A DATE NIGHT! At least once a month, dress up, get a sitter, and act like you are on a date. Don't talk too much about strollers or the latest in car seat safety, PLEASE! Just as your offspring need your attention, the man you married does too. Be hanging on his arm displaying proudly that this one is YOURS, make him feel wanted and appreciated for all he does. (usually, smart ones reciprocate this) Do not neglect your marriage. If it has already started, commit to stopping it immediately! If you don't have the money for a traditional date night out, ask grandma to babysit and stay IN but not in your pjs on opposite sides of the couch, got it?! 

Are you already in a Forever Roommate situation? That one is so tricky...it is really a case by case matter. Just know that it is NOT okay to wait it out. It's NOT okay to accept that you'll sleep in separate beds for 20 years, he will work late and spend most nights out and you will wrap your entire life around soccer mom. If you have to stop and shake him, do it. Have a night together where you go through old memories together. Look at pictures and discuss how it was back then...remember the first time he kissed you? When you knew he was the one? Maybe even when you knew he was going to be a good dad. Relive every good memory out loud with each other and figure out how to get back there. It will take time, but you can do it! 

I know this is long and rambly, but I hope it helped SOMEONE realize that complacency in marriage isn't okay or temporary. All marriages take MAINTENANCE. I don't like to say "work" because it has a negative connotation. Don't lose hope...you've got this, momma!

Please leave comments or even write me a message if you feel you have something to ask or add! I would love to hear from some other moms trying to remember how to still be wives! I know you're out there! ;) 

-Lady Luck

January 14th. The Day I Will Never Forget

I have contemplated on writing this post for quite some time.  But, now, on this day, I have decided that it will be therapeutic for me and it’s honestly something I need to do.  

On this day, one year ago, I lay on a hospital bed frozen in emotion and knowing what needed to be done.  Only a few months before, I had discovered the joyous news that after nearly three years of trying to conceive, I was with child.  I took my pre-natals every day, drank plenty of water, and did everything else I was supposed to do, but at 12 weeks I went in for a normal appointment and discovered that my baby’s heart had stopped beating at a mere 7 weeks.  I had been unknowingly carrying around my deceased child for 5 weeks.  I was angry, broken, confused, and felt completely abandoned.  I didn’t understand how my body could have betrayed me and allowed me to continue thinking that everything was wonderful and going to be okay because everything was definitely not okay.  My baby was gone.  Just like that, she was taken from me, and I didn’t understand why.

I sat through the next half hour listening to the doctor tell me my options of what needed to be done next.  I barely heard a word.  At the end, my husband and I decided that I would have a D&C two days later.  For two miserable days I bawled my eyes out and didn’t know how to feel.  My husband and I leaned heavily on one another for support and comforted our confused 4 year old son as he managed his own grief over the passing of his little sibling he was so excited about.  It was one of the hardest moments of my life.

            After two days I went in to the hospital.  I went through the process of paperwork and being prepared for surgery.  I numbed myself completely just to get through it.  I listened to the nurse as she blabbed away about how to be grateful for the 4 year old son that I had and at least I knew that I could have children because some people don’t even get that chance.  I literally wanted to smack her.  It wasn’t that I was ungrateful because of course I love my son, but I had just lost my baby.  I needed to grieve and I needed that to be okay with everyone.  The doctor came in and explained the process to me, handing me even more paperwork to sign.  The one term that caught my eye was “spontaneous abortion”.  My husband was appalled and so angry that they would use that in reference to the death of our child.  He crossed it out and told the doctor not to say those words around us because we did not abort our baby and this was not our choice.    

            I continued to mourn for quite a while after.  Minutes turned into days, days turned into months.  Some days I would just stare at the wall and not know how to even breathe.  I mourned in my own way and took the time I needed to feel every emotion that came.  I embraced it, reflected upon it, and moved forward, gradually, one day at a time.

            Five months passed and I discovered that I was pregnant again!  My heart fluttered with joy, but I was so scared.  Scared at every appointment I went too, scared to hope, scared to believe that this could be real.  The due date I was given was January 14th, 2014.  It was exactly one year from the date of my D&C.  I didn’t know what to think and wondered yet again, why?  Why that day of all days?  A day, like August 2nd, 2013 (the due date) that I was to remember for Baby Firefly (our nickname for our baby).  Not some other baby.  For awhile I was in limbo between feeling connected with the growing baby inside and wanting the baby I had lost.  Because of that I carried around a lot of guilt due to feeling as if I had to be in two places at once.  Two intense emotions of grief and elation consumed me, each of them making me feel as I were the world’s worst mom.

But as the months have flown by and I find myself staring at the calendar realizing that today is the day I have been dreading, yet feeling so excited about I’m surprised to find that I am content and centered.  Focused on what is to come, the family I am helping build, the love I have to give, and the moment my son takes his first breath and I hear that sweet little cry.  I know that on the day that my son decides to make his arrival, if it is today, tomorrow, or another day within the next week, his sister will be looking down from Heaven with her little angel wings spread wide, smiling down upon us, knowing that we love her and she will always be a part of our lives, and for that I feel blessed.

xoxo

Lady Sunshine

Technology vs Family Time

Technology has been both a godsend and a burden on our marriage.  You see, my husband (DH) and I met online a long long long time ago before the internet was a scary place, back in 1999/2000, and we met in person in 2005 and were married in 2011.  Without the internet, without technology, I would have never met the man that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. 

Technology made it possible for me to get married half way across the country, and still allow my family to watch it via a live stream.  It has also made it possible for the majority of our family to seemingly get to know our son through videos and photos, while we live 2,500+ miles away.

Although, however good, it has caused our family to sometimes seem out of reach. My husband finds it easy to disappear and play on the computer for hours a day, I find it easy to put on a headset and play video games or play around on Facebook for endless hours. 

That is why we've implemented a new rule in our house.  DH works nights, so he isn't available from 10am-6pm every day, he wakes up to help with bedtime and eat dinner, and then we would go our separate ways. Starting last week, we turn off our electronics at 8pm, and we cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie, sit down and work on a project, just talk and be present in each others lives.  Technology is a great thing for the world to have, but it seems as if it's gotten in the way.

Have you tried leaving your cellphone behind for a day?  Turning off all electronics and having a family time? How has it changed things in your family, good or bad?

If you haven't tried, you should, maybe once or twice a week. 

Unplug and unwind.

Until next time,

Lady Hurricane

Mommy Wars

  Mommy Wars

Mommy wars. We all  have those things that we do differently, those things we never said we would do, and those things we judge others for doing.  But why?  Being a mother is one of the most difficult, under appreciated, under paid jobs, with the best benefits.  However, it isn't for everyone, and not everyone does it the same.  What you do for yourself or your family and your child isn't necessarily the same thing that others might do for theirs.

Stay at Home vs. Working Parents

"It must be nice to stay at home all day."
"I would never allow someone else to raise my children"
"I bet going to work is like a vacation"
"What DO you do all day?"

These are all terrible, hurtful things to say to someone.  Some people are lucky enough to be able to stay home, others are lucky enough to have a great job that they love and loving people that will care for their children while they do just that.  Others have to work to provide for their families while maybe the other can't find a job.  My point is, you don't know what their situation his, be it financial or otherwise and it isn't your place to point fingers.

Maternity Leave

I don't know about you, but I couldn't WAIT for my maternity leave to be over.  I had been working since I was legally allowed to, at 15 1/2, and I didn't have my son until I was 25. I didn't know what to do with myself.  I was going stir crazy.

 Some women are chomping at the bit to get back out of the house and head back to work, while others take the full amount of time that they're allowed to by their employer.  It doesn't make one stronger than the other or the other less maternal.  It makes them mothers, all experiencing the same thing.

 Religion

Oh crap.  She said it.  The word that isn't brought up in good company.  Religion.  The topic that no one is supposed to ever discuss, because for some reason if everyone doesn't agree with what you believe, they're wrong, you're right, and there is no middle ground.  Well, I hate to break it to you but...

 Some people do things differently.

This is a hard topic for me.  We are of "unequal yokes"... My husband believes in God but isn't religious and wasn't raised in the church.  I was raised in the church and believe that having faith and having a relationship with Jesus is important, and I want that for my children.  Luckily, I have the worlds most understanding and easy going husband, that he believes if it's important to me, that it is important to him, and he won't hinder my teachings or beliefs.

Breast vs. Bottle

Some women CHOOSE to bottle feed.  Some women CHOOSE to exclusively breastfeed.  Some women CHOOSE to quit nursing after a year.  Some women CHOOSE to ... you get it?  Usually, it's a choice. However, some women never got that choice.  Some women tried, and tried, and tried to nurse.  Some women cried while their nipples bled and nothing came out.  Some women cried while their nipples were so sore because their baby had a poor latch.  Some women cried because they couldn't find a formula that would make their colic stop.  Some women cried because they couldn't afford to use formula, so they have to pump, and pump and pump while their at work.  Some women cry because they can't afford formula, but they have to find a way to cut back else where and buy it.  Some women....

Just because they don't do things the way you thing they should, doesn't make them wrong and doesn't give you the right to chastise or judge them.  They are doing things the best way they know how, with what they have, and they don't need you to tell them how they should or shouldn't be doing things.

I am a breastfeeding advocate.  I sat through months of painful nursing.  A few times I cried because it hurt so badly, with my husband sitting by my side and allowing me to grip his hand.  There were times where I wanted nothing more than to switch to formula, thinking formula moms must have it easier.  Then, last month, I went to my sister-in-laws, and saw that when her baby was hungry they had to wait for the bottle to be made and heated before their baby had his food and thought, as I was nursing my hungry son, she might be thinking "man, I wish I was breastfeeding so he wouldn't have to wait."

Are you getting the point yet? LOL...

What do you feed your children? Food?  Good, they need it to survive.  What does your neighbor, your friend, your sister, your brother, your in-laws, what do they feed their children?  Food?  Good, they need it to survive.  If they don't go ahead and intervene, call someone, do something, but as long as they're thriving and surviving, bite your tongue.

I've made some of my own baby food, it wasn't too difficult, but it was a lot more work.  I also swore my child would never eat a french fry... before he was actually here.  You know what?  That kid has eaten several fries, and he likes them.  However, I don't salt them, and he gets them in moderation, and usually only when we're traveling.  

Vaginal birth vs. Cesarean 

The birthing process is the most painfully rewarding process, ever.  No matter how you had your child, you had him/her, and that's all that matters.  Some women chose to have their baby in a barn, in their bed, in a tub of water, at the hospital, on mars, who cares.  Some women schedule their births via cesarean or induction.  Other women walk miles, bounce on balls, have sex, do a the hokey-pokey, and wait for that baby to make it's decision to make an appearance.

Others don't have the choice.  Maybe they scheduled a C-section, but that baby had other plans and came around the bend a little faster than expected.  Maybe that mother was on the bed at the hospital pushing, and pushing for hours, giving it all she had, when the doctor said "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do" or "Your baby is stuck." forcing them to have a Cesarean. 

Some women chose to have an epidural, others chose to go all natural (I applaud you.).  I personally wasn't sure which way I was going, and waited 7 long hours before saying "GIVE ME THE DRUGS!!!" haha.

Either way, hopefully, at the end of the day, you have a bundle in your arms, that is all yours, and is perfect.

A million other things...

Vaccinations

Circumcision

Cry it out
Co-Sleeping
Baby wearing
Self-led weening
Extended breastfeeding
Nursing to sleep
Introducing solids

Spanking

Time-outs

Discipline

Yadda yadda yadda... 

We all do things differently.  Why?  Because it is OUR RIGHT as parents. 

 End the mommy wars.

Until next time,

Lady Hurricane